When to Make Commitments

“Saying yes to something is saying no to everything else during that time.”

– Unknown

Making commitments is part of life, but when is making a commitment the wrong thing to do? Some commitments are very important such as performing our responsibilities at a job, being faithful to a spouse, or agreeing to pick someone up at a certain time. However, we can also cause ourselves and others a lot of misery by making commitments when we shouldn’t.

Commitments have many names and are included in several other concepts: promises, agreements, contracts, covenants, giving your word, vows, guarantees, deals, and many others. I use the term commitment here for simplicity.

Part of understanding when to make a commitment comes from understanding the effects of doing so. When we make a commitment, it sets an expectation that we will do it. That expectation includes an assumption that later decisions may be based on.

Anytime we set an expectation there is an inherent risk. Expectations often cause all kinds of misery, both for those who are trying to meet the expectations and for those who have the expectations. This is because of how impactful expectations are. When someone exerts a lot of effort to meet an expectation but doesn’t quite complete it, they are met with disappointment, frustration, anger, or sometimes even major consequences. Any effort they have put into it is generally not acknowledged nor appreciated. They often feel judged, misunderstood, and disregarded or they feel shame, feel guilt or beat themselves up over it. If they do meet the expectation exactly, they might be met with a shrug or no reaction at all. Only if they exceed the expectation do they usually receive praise. On the other hand, if they do something when there isn’t any expectation at all they are often met with praise and/or appreciation. The presence of the expectation makes all the difference.

It’s also important to remember that life sometimes throws things our way that we didn’t plan on that keep us from keeping our commitments. That’s part of life. We need to give ourselves mercy when we are unable to complete a commitment rather than beat ourselves up. As soon as possible, we should communicate the new situation we find ourselves in with whoever we made the commitment to. Being honest in this way preserves and even builds trust. Life being so unexpected is one more reason to hesitate before making a commitment, but it also shouldn’t paralyze us from doing so since we can communicate as needed.

Too often when we make a commitment, we don’t actually want to do it. It takes plenty of effort to do the things that we want to do; it takes much more effort and willpower to do things that we don’t want to do. So, without us wanting to do it, and with it being difficult, frequently we don’t meet the expectation and incur the negative effects. Was making that commitment a good idea in the first place? Some may think that making a commitment is the first step toward creating the desire within us. I disagree. Making a commitment too often leads to frustration, shame, guilt, and all kinds of other effects that cause damage and distract us from developing our desires. A much better first step is to desire the desire to do it. I developed a simple tool called the “Deepen My Caring” tool that frequently helps someone develop the desire to do something in just minutes. If we wait to do something until we have developed the desire to do it, it doesn’t drain us or burn us out, and instead gives us the feeling of fulfillment. Anyone who benefits from us doing it can usually feel that it is genuinely coming from our heart, and that fact usually means much more to them than even the extent to which we do it.

One type of commitment is making a contractual agreement. This is essential in a business partnership or other legal situations. However, it is usually unhealthy for a couple to make some sort of contractual agreement beyond normal decision-making or what is intrinsically part of being married. This is especially the case where one partner agrees to consistently do a particular favor in exchange for the other doing an unrelated favor. One example is frequent sex in exchange for something. Even considering a contractual agreement in a couple’s relationship is often a sign of insecurity, lack of safety, or judgmental thoughts. For any relationship to be healthy, it is essential for both partners to feel safe enough to truly be themselves and to live primarily from their desires. If we don’t find ourselves naturally desiring the best for our partner, there are inevitably some insecurities, judgmental thoughts, or expectations present within ourselves that are best addressed directly. After resolving those, fulfilling our partner’s desires usually comes naturally without forcing ourselves at all. If you don’t personally desire what your partner desires, that is an opportunity to work toward “loving them with all your heart” by adopting their desires using the same “Deepen My Caring” tool. In rare circumstances, even after using that tool, we might still not value their desire. If that is the case, first we should eliminate any judgmental thoughts we are having, then share our feelings and desires with our partner, and finally counsel together about it. Often we can arrive at an even more refined desire that resonates or instead have them fulfill their desire independently (possibly while spending time alone or with others).

Every expectation has underlying desires associated with it. The ideal is to lower our expectations but keep our desires burning bright. A desire becomes pure when it doesn’t have expectation tied to it. When we express these pure desires, we do so naturally without judgment, pressure, or manipulation. They come across almost like wishes because if they choose to not do them, there are no negative feelings. We can share these desires with others, giving them the opportunity to fulfill those desires if they want to. This creates a beautiful interaction because it is absent of judgment or frustration. Often it makes people feel so good to fulfill our desires that they end up doing it a surprising amount of the time. They experience feelings of fulfillment in doing so and we find ourselves naturally feeling joy and almost automatically expressing appreciation without having to exert or force ourselves at all to do so.

Commitments are often associated with goals or desires. However, when someone truly desires to do something, there is often no need for them to make a commitment because they are so likely to just do it regardless. We usually don’t have the time to do everything we desire to do, but there are some things that we have sufficient desire to do that they are a priority for us. Making a commitment when we already have sufficient desire to do something places an unnecessary burden on ourselves. Just acting out of pure desire, doing things whenever it feels like the right time to do them is a beautiful way to live. As I have done so, it has been incredibly liberating and fulfilling.

Sometimes what we desire to do is overwhelming. I have a simple and powerful tool that helps address this challenge called Tiny Steps, which makes anything of any size approachable and often even fun to do. A key part of that tool is celebrating along the way instead of waiting until we’re entirely done. Taking care of feeling overwhelmed also eliminates the need to make certain commitments because we are much more likely to do something out of pure desire when we aren’t intimidated by it.

A typical criticism of people is being afraid to commit. Making commitments is certainly part of being mature, but choosing to not make a commitment that isn’t necessary is even more mature. When we overcommit, we set ourselves up for failure, disappointment, shame, guilt, etc. Undercommitting and overdelivering is a much more effective way to live. The fewer commitments we make, the more freedom we have to do what we want to do in the moment. We are free to be responsive to the unexpected things that life brings. We are free to take the time to help someone who is struggling. We can stop and smell the roses. We can self-care. We can pursue our dreams. We are truly free. We should think twice before making any commitment to make sure it is worth it to us.

Still, there are very important times to make commitments. Making commitments opens up opportunities that we would otherwise not have. If we don’t commit to doing a job, an employer won’t give us a paycheck. When sharing a vehicle, we might not be able to use it unless we agree to pick someone up at a certain time. As a teen, if we don’t commit to coming home by a curfew, our parents might not allow us to go to a dance. If we don’t commit to a marriage, we won’t have the benefits of having one. We should only make commitments when doing so is truly helpful. We should make a commitment when it facilitates our own later decisions or the decisions of others. There should be a real purpose in every commitment we make.

We should only make commitments when doing so creates opportunities that we desire. We should never over-commit. People who ask us to make commitments may be acting upon their fears. Our best response is empathy and consistently living out of our pure desires. They will probably notice (and may even appreciate) how genuine we are in what we do, even if they aren’t getting everything they were expecting. Over time, their fears and expectations will likely diminish. Love is the highest level of living. Living out of pure desire is living out of love. That is what I want for everyone on the planet because it helps us find joy, fulfillment, and connection.

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